I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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