why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
