I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize