she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
