The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
