did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
