Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
