she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
