When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
