and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
