I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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