Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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