I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
