Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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