For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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