Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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