I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
