she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
