He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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