Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
