just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
