If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
