my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
