On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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