I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
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