I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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