I think my vagina is haunted
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
