I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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