I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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