I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
