Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
