Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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