I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
