I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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