I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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