I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
