upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
