My Higher Power is John Stamos
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
