note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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