guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
