Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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