I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
