I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
