Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
it's like iHOP with fire
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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