Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize