i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
