He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
