i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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