You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
