if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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