Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
