I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
