Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
