Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
