ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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