Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
