My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
