I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
