If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
