I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Girls should come with a carfax report
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
