I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
