For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
